you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
