I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
