We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
