Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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