just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
