Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
