If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
