I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
