I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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