I think im going to throw up on grandma
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
