If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
