you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
