My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
