that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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