My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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