So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
