she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
