in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
