i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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