I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
