You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
