cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
