Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
