this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
