my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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