ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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