I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
