i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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