A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
