I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
