I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
