Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
