people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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