I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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