I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
