I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
