That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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