That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
