I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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