Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
