so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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