I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
