Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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