You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
