Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
