I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
