walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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