i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
