maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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