I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
